What I'm Glad Didn't Exist in 1986

The other day I told a tutor who works for me (he’s 20) that we still listened to vinyl records when I was in high school.  He laughed really hard, and then asked, wide-eyed, “You didn’t have TAPES back then?” After I fired him, I thought about all of the things I’m glad didn’t exist in 1986.

1. Cell phones : Think  of the impact of these on a socially awkward kid who would rather text than talk to people in person. Also, the constant checking in, the perpetual availability.  We had a cognitive scientist come to speak here, and he showed how multitasking is causing problems with the “executive function” in our brains—in other words, we can text and listen and drive at the same time, but it means we’re not doing anything well—and our brains cannot adapt.
2. Social networks, e-mail: There are pieces of writing (notes, letters) I regret writing and sending, and these were things I spent time writing, sometimes revised, and actually had to hand them off or mail them. Multiply this regret by 50 if all I had had to do was hit “send.”
3. Low jeans: Really, we were better off. High jeans may be “mom” jeans, but think of what we avoided.
4. Zima, Hard Lemonade, and girly drinks in a bottle:  I hated the taste of alcohol so much that my one drink in high school—the only drink I had in four years—was Miller Lite mixed with 7UP. Yes, it was repulsive, but it ensured that I could only take a few sips at a time without gagging.
5. CDs: This may have something to do with the fact that my husband is a vinyl record dealer and we mostly listen to records, but there is something about a record—and the crackly sound when the stylus hits the vinyl—that can’t be replaced.
6. Reality Television: Sitcoms were soothing and you could curl up in a beanbag chair with them when you wanted to retreat from the teenage drama after a bad day. You also had the comfort of knowing that they weren’t real people—they were fictional characters.
7. Hyper-real video games:  It was hard enough to get a boy to want to hang out with you outside of school, but add those video games, and it would have been impossible. And when I say “you,” I mean me.
8. Helicopter parents: These are the parents who call their kids’ college professors to complain about their grades. Their children are basket cases and can’t function on their own. I love that my parents didn’t freak out when I attended an all-night cast party, or read Forever.  

What I wish had existed:

1.       Hip hop: We were a very white school that generally listened to very white music.

2.       Electronic college applications

3.       Waxing : Would have made trips to Gilford beach better for everyone.  

4.       Itunes: Yes, I know I’m contradicting what I said above, but the only way I had the chance to learn about new music was to listen to the radio or hang out Greenlaw’s and sift through the bins. And even then, if you bought it and hated it, you were out of luck. That Style Council 45 sits to this day in some record dealer’s quarter bin.

5.       Auto tune: We had so many good singers at my school that this would have been my only shot at a role in a musical. I also feel that Gilford would have done a kick-ass Mamma Mia.